It’s come to my attention that some of my energy may have been being misused. Or, if not misused, then frustrated. Frustrated by my own self-imposed rules and regulations.

I am a fairly methodical person who enjoys science and statistics, particularly when it comes to organizing my own life. I like to track what I’ve done, when, and how often; I regularly accessorize my journal with little grids peppered with check marks, to track things like my skincare, exercise, Italian language practice, caffeine intake, and more. This year, I set myself the challenge to submit applications/auditions/etc. to 100 opportunities, so naturally I started a tracking system to calculate what works out and what does not.

However, the last three weeks or so, I have been caught up in an unplanned gig which interrupted my meticulous tracking, and forced me to consider the question: is it better to go back and fix my lapse in recording, or to forge onward with submissions without looking back? Is the proof of the effort more important than dedication to the cause?

Simultaneously, I had recently said ”yes” to an opportunity I had a negative feeling about, and of course ended up somewhat regretting it. As someone who is so often a confident consult on friends’ life decisions, I’ve noticed a certain uncertainty about navigating my own, specifically about following my gut/heart/instinct in any given moment (as opposed to bending to outsider opinions or some misguided sense of ”strategy”). I freeze and question my inspirations, constantly needing to ascertain whether or not my idea is “worth” following before making a move… when I could instead simply use that energy to go ahead and find out in reality. Does every move have to be the “best” in order to be worth making?

There comes a time when calculation is just procrastination. Though it goes against my nature and habits, I think I will find my answers by choosing to recklessly pursue my own goals. Moving forward, this looks like not second-guessing when I feel like writing instead of practicing. This looks like saying “no” to opportunities even when, on the surface, there doesn’t seem to be a ”good enough” reason. This looks like releasing prior plans when they no longer suit me. This looks like posting more silly content on social media and here on this blog, regardless of who may or may not see it.

Part of it, too, will look unhinged. A career in the arts already reflects some inconsistency; reckless pursuit adds a new level of observable chaos. This new approach challenges me to take actions without caring what others think of them. In fact, it challenges me to take actions without prematurely judging them myself.

For the foreseeable future, my aim is to release routine, excise expectation, and plunge headlong into every actionable whim. I hope to remove self-set restraints, and retrain my self-trust. I intend to convert every bit of frustrated energy into forward momentum.

I’m so curious to see what will happen next.

”Commit to the bit,” right?